At The Crossroads Again

4 years ago, I taught at my alma mater, Penang Free School while waiting for entry into USM. Bahasa Melayu, Form 1 and Form 4. They have those BM literature things. Can’t remember what the Form 1 BM literature’s title is. It was about a Malay family (so interesting, rite?) The Form 4 one was more fun. Perlumbaan Kedua. A story about the 2nd race between the tortoise and the hare.

What was I thinking. BM, with literature, of all things! The only thing I know about BM literature is – they are dead boring. Really no class, man. I remember I tried to jazz it up as much as possible, messed it up a bit here and there, and added in C.S. Hooi philosophy whenever I can.

I was 1 Mutiara’s form teacher. I remember Karthigan, who got into a WWF fight right in front of me in the class (I thought it was cool. Anything was more fun than BM literature). I also remember Azhan. He sat at the very front row. He was a bit sensitive to people who perli him.

They made me a gift on my last day. A piece of cardboard paper. It has all their names written on it. It says:

To Mr. Joshua Hooi
Good luck in your future
And have a nice day! J
See you again!
Bye bye
30.4.2002
Thank you,
1 Mutiara

I stuck that cardboard paper inside my clothes cabinet. It’s still there today. Before I left, I told them, “God willing, I will be back in 4 years’ time.”

I dropped by at Penang Free School yesterday. As I was moseying along the corridors, I saw Azhan in the class. He’s in Form 5 now. When he saw me walking past, he recognized me, turned from his seat, and caught my eye. He was smiling.

I met the WWF guy again too. He greeted me and shook my hand.

“Are you coming back here, sir?” Gosh. They actually remembered.

1 year ago, I taught at Methodist Boys’ School for my practical training. Mathematics, Form 1 and Form 2. I remember Aaron. He is one of the good boys. I remember Wee Vern. He was always trying hard to do his math. I remember Jaga Sandes, always pretending to do his work, but his Bollywood skills never worked. Naughty fellow. But he sticks around for my class.

During my last day, Wee Vern came up and read a speech that he wrote for me in front of the class. Excerpts from the speech:

What do you know locus? Inilah soalan pertama yang ditanya oleh watak utama kita pada petang ini. Cikgu datang mengajar kami sudah hampir tiga bulan. Cikgu mengajar kelas dengan bersungguh-sungguh. Perbuatan cikgu yang sering membuat lawak semasa mengajar membuat kami berasa terhibur. Cikgu juga sering kali memberi nasihat supaya kami berjaya pada masa hadapan. Kesabaran selama cikgu mengajar memang tiada bandingannya. Cikgu sanggup berulang banyak-banyak kali jika kami tidak faham.

Then, at the end, got pantun also:

Mentari hilang kala petang,
Muncul semula waktu pagi,
Kalau ada umur yang panjang,
Bolehlah kita berjumpa lagi.

Then, on behalf of the class, he gave me a present. I kept the speech in a box. It’s still there today.

Strange, I thought. You don’t usually get such treatment in all-boys’ schools. Same for Penang Free School. I don’t remember doing things like that for my teachers in my own alma mater. Somehow the culture wasn’t there.

Aaron drops me a line once in a while at MSN. He said, “i think you are the most strategik teacher… you better than my tuition teacher and my school maths teacher” Once, he hooked me up into a 3-way conversation with a friend of his, Jenny, at MSN. He introduced me to Jenny, saying, “This is this is my one of my best maths teacher i have seen be4.”

I dropped by at Methodist Boys’ School today. I saw Jaga Sandes, “fighting” with another Indian guy behind the school block (some things never change). “Oi, balik kelas!” I yelled out at him. He kinda turned away, then he turned back at me when he recognized me. “Hai, sir!” He said. “Mana you punya classmate semua?” I asked him. “Sini, sir…” he said as he walked back to his class.

I paid his class a visit, and got a warm reception. The guys started waving and calling out to me. The monitor, Eric Seaton’s eyebrows seem to look bushier now. Hahahaha... Some of the guys are still the same. Still looking sleepy as ever. But they looked up when they saw me, and found enough strength to give me a wave. Some took a bit of time before they can recognize me. Because I was bald when I was teaching them last year.

I said “bye bye” to them and went out of the class. They gave me a “bye bye, sir” that felt better than any half-hearted “thank you, sir” that you get at the end of every period.

Last year, I taught for a month at my father’s school, Convent Green Lane. Sains, Form 3 and Form 5. I’d better not talk about what happened there. Sounds like scandal only :) Sure kena kacau wan. Hehehehe…

At times, I find myself back at the crossroads again. I ask myself why did I choose to become a teacher in the first place. Wouldn’t I find more satisfaction doing something else rather than teach in a musty, old classroom? What if I had taken up law? Or management? Or business administration?

I tried to look for a job while waiting for my posting. I looked at my own academic qualifications, and I say to myself, “How can I get a job outside with the degree that I have? A Sains Dengan Pendidikan graduate? How desirable am I? Man, I won’t even employ myself!”

Am I the glassy-eyed kind of person who wants to change the world by being a teacher, or do I have my motives all mixed up?

I admit I am not every bit an altruistic teacher, whose sole intention is to touch hearts, change lives, and impact the world. I come into the profession with a strict view of things, and a stern view of myself. I don’t have the glassy-eyed, jaded attitude of the job. I don’t harbor the naive belief with all my heart and soul that being a teacher to young students is the best thing you can do in life.

But despite that, I find that I have left ripples in the places I have gone. I think I have impacted people in ways that I was not even conscious of. How much for the better, or how much for the worse, I don’t know. But I think I’m making a difference. It has been affirmed time and again.

Never mind that I don’t look marketable in the corporate sector. I didn’t really plan to go there anyway. Never mind that I may become grouchy and grumpy as years roll by. I didn’t start with a jaded view of things in the first place, so I don’t think I'll slump into disillusionment too badly. Never mind the grade that my lecturer gave me for my practical training. I don’t fully agree with the way she sees things anyway. I like my own style of doing things.

I think I have the gift.

Charity Got Skewed

Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up… Charity never faileth… And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity (1 Corinthians 13:4-13).

A very familiar verse. But it sounds weird in the King James Version, doesn’t it? Not just because of the old English. It is because the word “love” is substituted with “charity.”

In the NIV and NKJV, the word used is “love.” In KJV, the closest English translation of the bible, the word “charity” is used. And in the original Greek text, the word used as an equivalent of “charity” is “agape.” In other words, charity = agape.

Does something strike you as odd here? If charity = agape, then the modern understanding of the word “charity” is skewed.

Let me paint you a picture. A boy gives a girl a present. The girl is thrilled. “What’s the occasion?” She asks, smiling cheek to cheek. “Well,” the boy replies. “Do I need an occasion to show an act of charity?” The boy gets a throbbing mark of five fingers on his cheek.

See what I mean? Charity today is a word we use to describe an act of giving to someone of a lower status. It implies that we are doing a good deed to help someone in need, such as donating to the refugee fund, giving clothes to the orphanage, or recycling newspapers for the old folk’s home. The word “charity” is used with a condescending implication. It’s almost like responding to a plea for sympathy. A recipient of charity today is seen as someone needy and unfortunate.

If the boy says that same line to a girl in the 17th century, I think the girl’s face will blush. But if the boy says it in the 21st century, the girl's face will not blush. Instead, it will FLUSH! The boy would better be smart enough to use the word “love” instead of “charity” when giving a girl gifts.

How did the meaning of the word charity get skewed along the passage of time? I have a theory.

Perhaps, a few centuries ago, doing things out of “charity” for one another is a common practice, because charity is understood as an act of love. Every act of kindness is an act of charity, regardless of social status. A poor man can do a rich man a good deed by sweeping his hallway, and call it an act of charity. A boy can do something good for a girl, like give her his favorite green jellybeans out of charity.

Then, society takes notice on the downtrodden and needy. Some good-hearted people take the initiative to do a fund-raising campaign. They go around selling coupons for a food-fair. “Have a heart,” they go around saying. “Do it for charity.” And people do it for charity. For love.

As time went by and modernization hit, people’s hearts start to grow cold. Doing kind deeds out of benevolence is no longer a norm. Volunteerism becomes a queer concept to an urbanized society. People just stopped being nice to one another as they freely did in the past. Giving is no longer as natural as it once was.

However, a remnant of people who champions the welfare of the downtrodden and needy remains. This small minority goes around, trying to make the world a better place for the less fortunate people. They start to collect donations for them. “Come on, have a heart,” they go around saying. “Do it for charity.” When people are compelled to give, it is a response to a cry for charity. Or in other words, sympathy.

Therefore, here we are today. The word charity is no longer understood as an expression of love. Charity is mainly understood as “giving to pitiable people.” Accepting charity becomes a shameful behavior.

Hence, we can see why the word “love” is used to replace “charity” in modern bible translations.

But then again, is it too late to revert back to the ancient understanding of the word “charity” in today's world? I think it's not possible. It makes more sense to just go on using the word “charity” the way we see it today.

Picture this: Mariah Carey wants to do a concert to aid the earthquake victims in Jogjakarta. Imagine what you'll print on the concert ticket. “LOVE concert. Admit one only.” Imagine how you will sell the tickets. “Come! Come! Come and buy tickets to Mariah Carey’s LOVE concert!”

Love concert?? Ummm… Hmmm… I think we’d better stick to charity.

I've Tasted... Celebrity Bliss!

I had a taste of high-class living. No, not in a posh restaurant. At a fitness center. They call it Celebrity Fitness. Rightly so! I came out, feeling like a celebrity.

From the moment I stepped in, I knew I was in upper-class society. You don’t see your Ah Bengs, Ah Chongs, Muthus, or Ramlis there. You’ll see only Roberts, Andrews, Kingstons, and Vincents.

Exercise, as I know it, is something that requires discipline. It’s something that you don’t want to do, but you do it because you know it’s good for you. At fitness centers, I think the concept of exercise is turned around. Exercise becomes a luxurious practice. More like a privilege, rather than an act of self-discipline. Let me show you why.

At a fitness center, you get to use state-of-the-art equipment. The technology involved allows you to work and tone every single muscle imaginable in your body. While doing that, you get to watch televisions, hear upbeat music in the background, and enjoy an air-conditioned environment. There will be staff around, and fitness trainers too. Well-built, friendly and professional, they lend their assistance at your beck and call. They have special classes going on around the clock. Different exercise programs, with all kinds of fancy names. They look so interesting, the people doing it look more like they’re having fun!

Now, compare that to the old-school way of achieving cardiovascular fitness, e.g. going for a jog. You got to choose a good time to go for a jog. Hope that the weather’s not raining. If you miss a good time, then you’ll either be running in the scorching sun, or running in the dark.

Forget about timing if you’re going to a fitness center. You can go there anytime you like. You’ve got a roof over your head and an excellent, controlled environment for you to work out.

When you go for a run, you don’t leave the house without your sunshades. You make sure you have just enough water in your system before you go. Not too little, to avoid dehydration. Not too much, because you don’t want to heave water all over your tummy as you run.

Forget about all that when you go to a fitness center. The treadmills face a glass wall with a sea view. You can drink water any time you like at the water dispensers. And the water is cool!

Now, when run in the streets you need to have a lot of discipline and determination. You got to find ways to motivate yourself to go the distance, or find ways to distract yourself from feeling tired. If you don’t have an MP3 player to blast fight music in your ears, you kinda have to remember the tune in your head and replay it in your mind. You don’t have much visual motivation too. The most you can see are buses or speeding motorbikes dashing past you. The best eye-candy you can get is seeing Indons and Banglas walking back from work.

If you go to a fitness center, you have specially programmed fight music to motivate you throughout your exercise program. From the warm-up, to the main course, to the warm down, you have music that creates just the right mood. You have a trainer in front of you who motivates you and encourages you all the time. When you glance around, you can see well-toned bodies, dressed in really cool exercise outfits too! How’s that for visual motivation?

After a run in the road, you’ll feel all hot and grimy. You’ll want to pull off your shirt and walk around a while, hoping that a cool breeze will blow. After you’re done “cooling off”, you’ll have to drive home for another 20 minutes before you finally get a nice bath.

If you’re at a fitness center, you can head to the sauna after your workout! Man, the sauna does wonders to you to “clean you off”. After that, you can hit the showers. The bathrooms are so clean, you feel like you’re in a hotel. You don’t really need to bring anything with you except a spare change of clothes. They’ll give you towels, shampoo, soap... Heck, even their soap feels special! After a sauna and bath, you’ll feel exceptionally clean!

When I came home, I felt so good! So good, as if something isn’t quite right. What is it, exactly?

I think I’ve experienced a drastic change in the concept of exercise. The way I see it, I’ve always seen exercise as a form of training. Training to win at competitions, mostly. It is not something you do for fun. But you make yourself do it, because you look forward towards the reward that awaits you at the end of the long, painful tunnel. You’re looking for glory. And that alone, is your only source of motivation as you clean your wounds and let your strained muscles retire for the night.

But at a fitness center, exercise becomes a luxury. It becomes a form of loving yourself. You actually want to go there and do it, because it makes you feel so good! A long, painful tunnel is non-existent. The reward is right there, in the fitness center itself! Instant gratification! And a sauna awaits you every time you go there. Exercise becomes almost hedonistic.

Yes, you'll still get the health benefits. You'll still get the cardiovascular fitness and well-sculpted body that you wanted. But yet, something’s missing. Something that you can get only if you went old-school style. That thing is called: Character building.

I'm not putting down anyone who enjoys going to fitness centers. Hey, I really enjoyed it myself! Advancement in technology, ergonomics, and healthy lifestyles are good to improve the quality of life. But yet, sometimes the missing factor that can add a valuable touch to the quality of life can only be attained old-school. If a luxury is taken away, can you go back to what you used to have? Is the character of a person who sees exercise as a luxury different from the person who sees it as a discipline?

This reminds me very much about the concept of contentment. We enjoy what we have in surplus as a luxury. And we make do with the little that we have. In prudence, we choose to live our lives with what we can do without, knowing that sometimes it may be better to do with less.

“The things we can learn by having less is more than the things we can learn by having much.” – C.S. Hooi

With all of that said…Hey! I have 2 weeks' worth of a free trial period at Celebrity Fitness! I’ll just think about the “character stuff” later... 

An Archaeological Discovery!

Aiching asked me yesterday if I have a copy of the NIV bible, and why I use the NKJV. She also asked me to look up certain differences in the two translations.

Always glad to help, her request made me dig up my old NIV bible. A flood of memories came back to me when I opened it!

I remember using the Good News bible when I was a kid. I changed to the NIV in my teens as my English improved. Later, I graduated to NKJV in my varsity years as my desire for closer translations and serious bible study grew.

As I flipped through my NIV, I remember how it trusty it had been to me during my formative years. Indeed, it had captured my attention and imagination during those crucial developmental years of my life. I wonder how different my life will be if that book wasn’t part of my habitual routine.

Some of the verses are highlighted with multi-color highlighters. The pages have turned a bit yellowish and crisp, but still good condition. Not a single page is dog-eared, folded or torn. I had this “superstition” to never put my bible on the floor, because it is a sign of disrespect. I don’t know where I got that pantang larang from. I don’t remember anyone teaching me that. But I guess it was my own innocent reverence towards the sacred book that prompted me to do so :)

Hidden inside the front of the bible cover are the handwritten notes of a sermon I delivered in Penang Free School’s CF. Those days, I didn’t have the habit of typing my notes in a computer yet. Along with it are a few more strips of paper in all kinds of colours, in which I remember intending to keep all my sermon notes, just for records, or in case I want to recycle them in the future.

Also, on the front of the bible cover is an old, black ball-point pen that still works! I remember my mum bought a bulk supply of those pens for our use.

Inside the back of the bible cover, I find the words of Germany’s national anthem written in German by Wong Soo Teng. I first heard about Germany’s national anthem when they played Brazil in the 2002 World Cup Finals. It is sung to the tune of the hymn, “Lamb of God our souls adore Thee; while upon Thy face we gaze…” Thus, my interest in getting the lyrics penned down by my friend who took German classes in USM. This is proof that my NIV was still with me at least until my freshmen year!

Stashed in a compartment in the bible cover is a bookmark that Catriena Foo made for me. She gave it to me when my father first left the house. I think I must be in Form 4 then. She gave me words encouragement, because she too lives with the loss of a parent. She now lives with a stepmother.

Written on the back cover of my bible are the words that Catriena’s ex-boyfriend (who is also my distant cousin) wrote for me. It was during the first church youth camp that I attended in Elim Gospel Hall. I was in Form 2, I think. The speaker told us to write those words on the bible of the person sitting next to us. I remember telling Kah Heng to write it in pencil, because my self-concocted “religious and cultural beliefs” did not permit any form of graffiti in my Holy Bible :) These are the words that he wrote:

I Kah Heng pray that
Jous’
Joshua will finish well.

Chooi Kah Heng

Hahaha… I remember he didn’t know how to spell my name!

Also, I found a small box of Luna colour pencils that I stashed inside the bible cover.

Such sweet memories that an old bible can bring back! While I’m at it, I thought that I may as well make an inventory of the bibles that I have:

1) Good News bible. 1 copy. Must be my sister’s property by now.
2) NIV bible. 1 copy. Stored inside its black bible cover.
3) NKJV bible. 1 copy. Currently being used.
4) Indonesian Al-Kitab. 1 copy. Bought in EPCC for a mission trip.
5) The Message, in CEV. 1 copy. Given to me by the Beh family as a Christmas present.
6) Surfer’s Bible, in CEV. 1 copy. Got it from the chaplain’s tent in Lorne, Australia.
7) NKJV thin line bible. 1 copy. Given to me by Mei Yee, along with numerous bookmarks.
8) Bread Of Life, Gospel Of John, in NKJV. 11 copies. Supposed to be free giveaways.
9) Power In Action, The Gospel Of Mark, in CEV. 9 copies. Personal testimony of a great sportsman, C.S. Hooi, included inside :)

Man, I never knew I had so many bibles! Coming across so many bibles in my possession made me ask myself this question: How has the bible really changed my life?

Yes, I may have numerous bibles in my room. But what matters more is how much of the bible do I really have in my life. Do I meditate on it day and night (Josh 1:8)? Have I hidden it in my heart so that I might not sin against Him (Psalm 119:11)? Will I teach it diligently to my children, talk of it when I sit in my house, when I walk by the way, when I lie down, and when I rise up (Deut 6:6-9)? Have I obeyed what it says?

That thought is more sobering than sweet.

Light Yokes

“And to try to be happy by being admired by men, or loved by women, or warm with liquor, or full of lust, or getting possessions and treasures: that turns you away, soon, from the love of God; then men, women, and drink and lust and greed take precedence over God; and they darken His light… And then we are unhappy and afraid and angry and fierce, and impatient, and cannot pray, and cannot sit still. That is the bitter yoke of sin: and for this we leave the mild and easy yoke of Christ.” – Thomas Merton

He said it so well. I think I should keep a separate journal to store these kind of quotes in. I’ve been doing quite a lot of reading nowadays, to the deterioration of physical fitness, due to inactivity. Nevertheless, I realize that the more I read, the more I find good quotable quotes. If I can compile then and sort them out by category, it will surely come in useful for speaking or writing assignments.

Anyway, back to Thomas Merton. It’s true, isn’t it? We’re all too familiar with the words of Paul, when he said that greed causes people to stray from the faith and be pierced with many sorrows (1 Timothy 6:10). But Merton puts it in such a way that relates so well, I can see myself caught in the vicious cycle that he paints.

When there is a lack of choice, there will be a lack of dissatisfaction. When a choice arises, so does dissatisfaction. Sounds silly in a world where freedom of choice is upheld to an almost sacred position. But think about it: If Adam and Eve never had the choice to partake of the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil, then temptation would never arise, and dissatisfaction about not having the knowledge of good and evil would not have plagued them.

God proved His point there. It is by giving humans free will can humanity be truly free. But along with free will comes freedom of choice. And freedom of choice can entrench a man in captivity, as much as it can set a man free. Free will is the element that gives the worship of God any true meaning, but it can also take people away from the worship of Him.

If we can gain the admiration of men, or attain the love of women, why don’t we go for it? There are ways of getting those things without being in sin. What’s wrong with keeping warm with liquor, if we know how to use it sparingly without getting drunk? Yes, lust isn’t good, but isn’t it an inescapable trait of humanity? Why can’t we actively engage in getting possessions and treasures, as long as we let this pursuit remain as 2nd place after God?

It is exactly these same arguments that I constantly battle with. And in more times than one, the feeling of unhappiness, fear, anger, and impatience comes when I choose to dim God’s light with my choices. I find that I’ll have trouble praying, and I cannot sit still to spend time with God. With a sense of dissatisfied restlessness, the more I will plunge myself into attaining the contentment I wanted, and the tighter I will fetter myself under the bitter yoke of sin. When the yoke gets too heavy, then only will I realize the mild and easy yoke of Christ when God’s grace breaks through as fresh and new all over again.

I often wonder. When (or if) I have “made it”, will I find myself doing good, seeking justice, rebuking the oppressor, defending the fatherless, and pleading for the widow? How can I be confident of finding myself doing those things, if I cannot find myself constantly doing it during the process of “making it”? Didn’t Jesus heal the sick, favour the poor, feed the hungry, have compassion on those who weep, and identify with those who are hated by men? It is because Jesus delighted in humility that He was highly exalted and given the name which is above every name (Phil 2:5-11). How close am I to the pattern that Jesus set?

Mei Yee is at SWEEP now. It’s a 2-week social work “camp”, where they will go to the shelter every day, visit orphanages, prisons, go to red-light districts, and get exposed to the plight of all kinds of poverty and deprivation. Hearing that it will be emotionally draining, I didn’t feel any real motivation to go to such a program. I always thought that Mei Yee has a bigger heart than mine.

Which is the more stressful thing to do, I wonder. Trying to be responsible and think about the future, or delving into social work and see the ugly side of society. Jesus said this regarding finding true rest. He said the secret of finding true rest is something that is hidden from the wise and prudent. He said, “Come to Me, all you who labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light” (Matt 11:28-30).

What is Jesus’ yoke? How is it lighter than the one we carry? He asks us to learn from Him. Learning from Him also encompasses doing what He does. I know it mystifies the human reason. But Jesus teaches that giving up on self for the sake of others is actually a lighter burden to bear.

The Most Anti-Christian Thing

“What’s the most anti-Christian thing you ever did?” My debate trainer asked me. He knows I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I don’t curse, I don’t sleep around, and I don’t try to get fresh with girls. He just had to ask. I didn’t answer his question.

Let me rephrase the question. “What’s the most anti-Christian thing you would do, if you had the chance?” Now, that will be more interesting. I like hypothetical questions.

I think I have an answer to that one.



































I will go out with this girl…

Yeah. I’d ask her to the prom. And create the biggest scandal that will follow me for the rest of my life!

Don’t get me wrong. I won’t do bad things. I’d just take her to the prom, that’s all.

It’s actually quite plausible. To see how it’s done, let’s go back a few hundred years to when I was in Form 6.

School swimmer, Swimming Club President, Hargreaves House captain turned Student Advisor. In Student Administration, Deputy Head Warden. And most of all, 6th Form Society President.

Orientation Ball. One of the highlights of Form 6 life. The ball comes around just some time after the lower sixers come in. There’s always a lot of hype about who’s going with who. Guys love the opportunity to ask the lower six chicks out. As tradition seems to hold it, the 6th Form President will take his girlfriend to the ball.

I still remember how it was like. My committee and I would be busy planning the ball. Hotel booking, check. Theme, check. Program and emcee, check. Senior polls, check. Invitations to VIPs, check. Decorations, check. Girl to bring… No check. I almost wanted to form an ad-hoc committee to help me out with that.

Avril is not a lower sixer. She will be in my same batch, different class. Can’t have her around in the same class. Surely I can’t get anything done. I wanna be absorbed in my work during class. I’d be sitting right at the back, cracking my math questions, oblivious to whatever the teacher is doing in the class. My friends will come look for me when they’re stuck with their math. And I’d take that as a welcome break.

I’d prefer not to have Avril in my class. From the next class, she will think I’m some kinda A-star model student. But not exactly. Because I’ve got quite an attitude. I walk in the class and walk out anytime I want, using my responsibilities in holding multiple posts as my pass. I go out early for recess. I come in late after recess. I sleep in class when I’m too groggy after a heavy recess. And when I’m not doing any of those, I’ll either be too absorbed in math, or out doing my own thing.

I’ll keep Avril at just the right distance. Not too close, to let the mystery disappear. But not too far, to let her get out of sight.

Every once in a while, in between periods or when the teacher is not in class, I’ll walk over to her class, and pretend to see some other guy in the class. While making small talk with him, I’d throw a few glances at her, smiling slightly maybe, but I won’t say a word to her. She’ll have to guess if the slight smile was purposely thrown at her, or if the smile just came out from my conversation with the other guy and I so happened to look her way.

I will pass her by the corridor every once in a while. I’ll acknowledge her, say a quick hi or something, and smile a little more intentionally at her. I’ll strike up a little conversation with her, or just make a passing remark.

At other times, when I’m seeing no light in my math problems, I’d go and pay “the other guy” in Avril’s class a visit again. I’d crack jokes with him, laugh until our faces turn red and our eyes become wet, providing some entertainment to those who sit nearby as well. Avril will be secretly listening a few desks away, quietly smiling to herself at my humor.

You may be wondering how come I get to go from one class to another so easily. If you know the school I come from, you’d understand that it’s no rare occurrence. In Penang Free School, it happens :)

Avril would probably be hanging out by the field after school with her classmates. I’d be doing my Hargreaves Student Advisor thing in the field, yelling out orders, training the athletes, whipping up the softies to turn them into real boys.

I’d be doing the hurdles. Arranging the hurdles fussily at their positions, I’d limber up, make a run-up towards the hurdles, leap over the hurdle, land and take 3 more strides, leap over the 2nd hurdle, keep running, letting out a puff whenever I clear a hurdle with near-skin precision, all the time keeping my eyes straight ahead at the next hurdle ahead of me. After I clear the last one, I’d slow down to a jog, turn, walk back, and do it all over again. “More power. Need more firepower in my legs,” I’d be thinking to myself as I walk back to the start, staring at the ground, my hands on my waist, a slight frown on my face, fixed with a look mixed with tiredness from exertion and dissatisfaction with my pace.

In one of the runs, after clearing the last hurdle, I’ll take an extra long walk towards where Avril is hanging out with her friends. As I pass her by, I’d do a little strut that is obvious enough to let her know that it’s specially designed for her, but not too conspicuous to make it look like a showy attempt to catch her attention. She’d notice, smile, then look away. She’d be looking at me again a few seconds later. But I won’t be looking back, because I’ll be heading back to where the hurdles are, staying focused, muscles glistening with sweat under the sun.

As the Orientation Ball creeps closer, I’ll hear news about how all the other guys are making their moves for her. I’ll hear the guys saying that she’s turning all of them down, and that she’ll going with her girl-friends. I won’t be anxious or get all insecure. I’ll think of a way to drop my line. Should I do it without making it look too obvious? Should I do it like a casual thing, so that it won’t look as though I’ve come totally out of the way to ask her, and come across as awkward? Should I ask her right after I’m done with something, or just when she happened to be passing by? Should I go over to her one day in the field, all hot and sweaty, and ask her out to the prom?

Ah, I think I won’t be like that. I’d go direct.

One day, while the teacher is still in Avril’s class, I’d go and interrupt her class. I’ll make sure that she is in. She is probably bored, drawing doodles in her notebook. I’ll knock on the door, and go straight to the teacher. I’ll ask permission to see a student, just as I’m always familiar of doing.

“Sir, may I see Avril for a minute please?”

“Ok,” the teacher will say, without taking his eyes off the blackboard. He won’t even ask why, because I’ve always been known for going around on “official business”.

“Avril!” I’ll call out. She’ll look surprised, pause a while, put her pencil down, and stand up from her desk. I’ll turn and wait for her at the corridor outside the class.

“What’s up?” She’d ask, when she is standing face to face with me.

I’ll look right into her eyes, with a slight smile that she has seen many times before, and say:

“Hey, will you go to the prom with me? It will be really great if I could take you out as my date.”

I’ll just continue looking at her as she mentally replays what I just asked her. I’ll say nothing else, and wait coolly for her to respond. After a short while, a smile breaks across her face, and she says, just barely above a whisper…

“Yes.”

Then, I’ll go, “Cool! I guess I’ll be seeing you next Saturday then.”

“Yeah. You’ll pick me up at 7?”

“Err, no… That will be a bit too late. I got to make sure that things are up and running at the hotel, so we can’t afford to be fashionably late. Pick you up at 6:30 then?

“Ok, that will be nice.”

“Alright. I’d better go back to class.” Then I’ll just turn and walk to my class, without looking back.

As my friend Christine Siew once said, I miss the times when we come to school and look forward to seeing someone we have a crush on. You’d feel happy whenever that person is around. You’d feel sad if that person is absent from school. You’d wonder what that person is doing when that person is not around. Your heart beats a little faster when you see that person walking by. And you get nervous for no reason.

You may be surprised when you’ve read all this. You’ll ask, “Joshua, will you really do such a thing in reality?”

Hmmm… That’s quite another thing to think about. Here’s what I’ll do.

During Avril’s free time, she may have stumbled across my blog and read this entry. She will email me, and we’ll probably correspond a little. One day, Avril may be doing a gig in PISA. She will be arriving at the Penang International Airport. She asks me if I can pick her up from the airport, and take her around when she’s done practicing with her band, and spend some time with her.

I’d say, “Sorry Avril, but I can’t do that.” And I won’t give any explanation. I’ll just leave her wondering. Maybe she won’t wanna correspond with me anymore after that. But it will be ok.

Because... She’s just NOT the one I’ve been waiting for :)

Note to younger readers: I am in no way propagating unequally-yoked relationships. I do not believe in dating non Christian girls. And I do not have Avril Lavigne in my head 24/7. This entry is based on my hypothetical answer to a hypothetical question of the most “anti-Christian” thing I would have done if I had the chance to do it. Contextual reading is required for a full understanding.

If I can add a few more words: NEVER think that there’s anything more to a crush. You know what a crush is? A crush is an emotional hallucination of a person you fancy. Not rooted in reality, a crush is a figment of your imagination about someone (as exemplified by this post). In other words, it’s your own invention of a fictional personality to fit your own desires – that person may be real, but the character is what you made it up to be.

So, don’t get crushed by a crush. But if you do, then go drown your sorrows in an Orange Crush.

If you’re still in school and you wanna borrow some ideas from what I could’ve done a few hundred years ago, then be my guest. Results not guaranteed, though!

Will Your Works Follow You?

Then I heard a voice from heaven saying to me, “Write: ‘Blessed are the dead who die in the Lord from now on.’”
“Yes,” says the Spirit, “that they may rest from their labors, and their works follow them.” (Revelation 14:13)

As the end-time tribulations increase in intensity, it gets harder for tribulation saints to endure the hardships that come upon them. The time will come when everyone “both small and great, rich and poor, free or slave” will have to “receive a mark on their right hand or on their foreheads,” without which “no one may buy or sell.” (Rev 13:16-17).

In order to survive, people will have to wear that mark. If one wears that mark, one may live a little longer in the world, but an impending eternal judgment awaits them. For anyone who “worships the beast and his image, and receives his mark on his forehead or on his hand, he himself shall also drink of the wine of the wrath of God” (Rev 14:9-10).

What choice does one have? Don’t wear the mark, and you’ll die slowly from the deprivation of basic necessities. Wear the mark, and you’ll die from the wrath of God.

In such terrible times, it is indeed blessed for people to be dead rather than alive. It's more humane to be found dead in the Lord. Then, they can rest from their labors of enduring harsh persecution for their faith. And their works of patience in keeping the commandments of God will follow them – approving them to be worthy of the kingdom of God. What comfort will death bring! If indeed, they do have those works to follow them.

While it is amazingly true that our salvation comes by grace through faith alone, it is a striking warning to realize that when we finally rest from our labors in this world, our works follow us beyond the grave. Yes, our works do not save us. But if indeed our faith was genuine, our works will follow us as proof of our faith in God.

I’ve just come back from a church camp in Lumut. Typically ordinary as it may be, some things stuck with me after the camp. Mr. William Doraisamy spoke from the book of James. He mentioned, “Young people should attend funerals and listen to eulogies. Because only then you will get to hear good things about those people, and how great they have been in their service for the Lord. When they are alive, you only hear bad things about them.”

I remember laughing at that point. But as I pondered more about it, it became an uncomfortable thought. What if when you were alive, people say only bad things about you. When you are dead, people still cannot find anything good to say about you. Man, that would be really sad... Being dead will be as great a discomfort as being alive!

I’m not sure if it’s me being forgetful, or just paranoid. Every once in a while, people come up to me and talk to me as though they know me. And they ask if I remember them. It’s very awkward and embarrassing when I don’t, when they are acting as though they know me like a long-lost buddy! Or sometimes, a friend tells me that so-and-so sends his regards, and he says he knows me. But I have no idea who that person is.

I wonder what they remember me by. What is it I have said or done in the past, which they hold on to as fragments of their memory until today? How come I don’t have any recollection of them? Did they remember me for the good things? Or did they remember me for the bad things, but they’re still glad to see me because they have somehow graciously forgotten about the past and cherished the present moment of bumping into an old acquaintance?

My life has revolved around many circles. Sometimes I do wonder what people really think about me.

But that’s not as important as what whispers to us from another world…

When we meet with the Lord one day, when we finally find rest from our worldly labors, what will be the works that follow us? What will Jesus remember us by? Will our works follow us beyond the grave?

Because if they don’t, then we won’t really be finding our rest.