The Most Anti-Christian Thing

“What’s the most anti-Christian thing you ever did?” My debate trainer asked me. He knows I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I don’t curse, I don’t sleep around, and I don’t try to get fresh with girls. He just had to ask. I didn’t answer his question.

Let me rephrase the question. “What’s the most anti-Christian thing you would do, if you had the chance?” Now, that will be more interesting. I like hypothetical questions.

I think I have an answer to that one.



































I will go out with this girl…

Yeah. I’d ask her to the prom. And create the biggest scandal that will follow me for the rest of my life!

Don’t get me wrong. I won’t do bad things. I’d just take her to the prom, that’s all.

It’s actually quite plausible. To see how it’s done, let’s go back a few hundred years to when I was in Form 6.

School swimmer, Swimming Club President, Hargreaves House captain turned Student Advisor. In Student Administration, Deputy Head Warden. And most of all, 6th Form Society President.

Orientation Ball. One of the highlights of Form 6 life. The ball comes around just some time after the lower sixers come in. There’s always a lot of hype about who’s going with who. Guys love the opportunity to ask the lower six chicks out. As tradition seems to hold it, the 6th Form President will take his girlfriend to the ball.

I still remember how it was like. My committee and I would be busy planning the ball. Hotel booking, check. Theme, check. Program and emcee, check. Senior polls, check. Invitations to VIPs, check. Decorations, check. Girl to bring… No check. I almost wanted to form an ad-hoc committee to help me out with that.

Avril is not a lower sixer. She will be in my same batch, different class. Can’t have her around in the same class. Surely I can’t get anything done. I wanna be absorbed in my work during class. I’d be sitting right at the back, cracking my math questions, oblivious to whatever the teacher is doing in the class. My friends will come look for me when they’re stuck with their math. And I’d take that as a welcome break.

I’d prefer not to have Avril in my class. From the next class, she will think I’m some kinda A-star model student. But not exactly. Because I’ve got quite an attitude. I walk in the class and walk out anytime I want, using my responsibilities in holding multiple posts as my pass. I go out early for recess. I come in late after recess. I sleep in class when I’m too groggy after a heavy recess. And when I’m not doing any of those, I’ll either be too absorbed in math, or out doing my own thing.

I’ll keep Avril at just the right distance. Not too close, to let the mystery disappear. But not too far, to let her get out of sight.

Every once in a while, in between periods or when the teacher is not in class, I’ll walk over to her class, and pretend to see some other guy in the class. While making small talk with him, I’d throw a few glances at her, smiling slightly maybe, but I won’t say a word to her. She’ll have to guess if the slight smile was purposely thrown at her, or if the smile just came out from my conversation with the other guy and I so happened to look her way.

I will pass her by the corridor every once in a while. I’ll acknowledge her, say a quick hi or something, and smile a little more intentionally at her. I’ll strike up a little conversation with her, or just make a passing remark.

At other times, when I’m seeing no light in my math problems, I’d go and pay “the other guy” in Avril’s class a visit again. I’d crack jokes with him, laugh until our faces turn red and our eyes become wet, providing some entertainment to those who sit nearby as well. Avril will be secretly listening a few desks away, quietly smiling to herself at my humor.

You may be wondering how come I get to go from one class to another so easily. If you know the school I come from, you’d understand that it’s no rare occurrence. In Penang Free School, it happens :)

Avril would probably be hanging out by the field after school with her classmates. I’d be doing my Hargreaves Student Advisor thing in the field, yelling out orders, training the athletes, whipping up the softies to turn them into real boys.

I’d be doing the hurdles. Arranging the hurdles fussily at their positions, I’d limber up, make a run-up towards the hurdles, leap over the hurdle, land and take 3 more strides, leap over the 2nd hurdle, keep running, letting out a puff whenever I clear a hurdle with near-skin precision, all the time keeping my eyes straight ahead at the next hurdle ahead of me. After I clear the last one, I’d slow down to a jog, turn, walk back, and do it all over again. “More power. Need more firepower in my legs,” I’d be thinking to myself as I walk back to the start, staring at the ground, my hands on my waist, a slight frown on my face, fixed with a look mixed with tiredness from exertion and dissatisfaction with my pace.

In one of the runs, after clearing the last hurdle, I’ll take an extra long walk towards where Avril is hanging out with her friends. As I pass her by, I’d do a little strut that is obvious enough to let her know that it’s specially designed for her, but not too conspicuous to make it look like a showy attempt to catch her attention. She’d notice, smile, then look away. She’d be looking at me again a few seconds later. But I won’t be looking back, because I’ll be heading back to where the hurdles are, staying focused, muscles glistening with sweat under the sun.

As the Orientation Ball creeps closer, I’ll hear news about how all the other guys are making their moves for her. I’ll hear the guys saying that she’s turning all of them down, and that she’ll going with her girl-friends. I won’t be anxious or get all insecure. I’ll think of a way to drop my line. Should I do it without making it look too obvious? Should I do it like a casual thing, so that it won’t look as though I’ve come totally out of the way to ask her, and come across as awkward? Should I ask her right after I’m done with something, or just when she happened to be passing by? Should I go over to her one day in the field, all hot and sweaty, and ask her out to the prom?

Ah, I think I won’t be like that. I’d go direct.

One day, while the teacher is still in Avril’s class, I’d go and interrupt her class. I’ll make sure that she is in. She is probably bored, drawing doodles in her notebook. I’ll knock on the door, and go straight to the teacher. I’ll ask permission to see a student, just as I’m always familiar of doing.

“Sir, may I see Avril for a minute please?”

“Ok,” the teacher will say, without taking his eyes off the blackboard. He won’t even ask why, because I’ve always been known for going around on “official business”.

“Avril!” I’ll call out. She’ll look surprised, pause a while, put her pencil down, and stand up from her desk. I’ll turn and wait for her at the corridor outside the class.

“What’s up?” She’d ask, when she is standing face to face with me.

I’ll look right into her eyes, with a slight smile that she has seen many times before, and say:

“Hey, will you go to the prom with me? It will be really great if I could take you out as my date.”

I’ll just continue looking at her as she mentally replays what I just asked her. I’ll say nothing else, and wait coolly for her to respond. After a short while, a smile breaks across her face, and she says, just barely above a whisper…

“Yes.”

Then, I’ll go, “Cool! I guess I’ll be seeing you next Saturday then.”

“Yeah. You’ll pick me up at 7?”

“Err, no… That will be a bit too late. I got to make sure that things are up and running at the hotel, so we can’t afford to be fashionably late. Pick you up at 6:30 then?

“Ok, that will be nice.”

“Alright. I’d better go back to class.” Then I’ll just turn and walk to my class, without looking back.

As my friend Christine Siew once said, I miss the times when we come to school and look forward to seeing someone we have a crush on. You’d feel happy whenever that person is around. You’d feel sad if that person is absent from school. You’d wonder what that person is doing when that person is not around. Your heart beats a little faster when you see that person walking by. And you get nervous for no reason.

You may be surprised when you’ve read all this. You’ll ask, “Joshua, will you really do such a thing in reality?”

Hmmm… That’s quite another thing to think about. Here’s what I’ll do.

During Avril’s free time, she may have stumbled across my blog and read this entry. She will email me, and we’ll probably correspond a little. One day, Avril may be doing a gig in PISA. She will be arriving at the Penang International Airport. She asks me if I can pick her up from the airport, and take her around when she’s done practicing with her band, and spend some time with her.

I’d say, “Sorry Avril, but I can’t do that.” And I won’t give any explanation. I’ll just leave her wondering. Maybe she won’t wanna correspond with me anymore after that. But it will be ok.

Because... She’s just NOT the one I’ve been waiting for :)

Note to younger readers: I am in no way propagating unequally-yoked relationships. I do not believe in dating non Christian girls. And I do not have Avril Lavigne in my head 24/7. This entry is based on my hypothetical answer to a hypothetical question of the most “anti-Christian” thing I would have done if I had the chance to do it. Contextual reading is required for a full understanding.

If I can add a few more words: NEVER think that there’s anything more to a crush. You know what a crush is? A crush is an emotional hallucination of a person you fancy. Not rooted in reality, a crush is a figment of your imagination about someone (as exemplified by this post). In other words, it’s your own invention of a fictional personality to fit your own desires – that person may be real, but the character is what you made it up to be.

So, don’t get crushed by a crush. But if you do, then go drown your sorrows in an Orange Crush.

If you’re still in school and you wanna borrow some ideas from what I could’ve done a few hundred years ago, then be my guest. Results not guaranteed, though!