The problem with celery...

... Is that when you buy it, it comes in a whole bunch. If you're cooking for yourself, it takes days to finish. And if you want to finish it before it rots, you'll have to eat celery everyday for the next 5 days.




What's for lunch? Celery with carrots and mushrooms. What's for dinner? Celery with carrots and mushrooms. What's for lunch tomorrow? Do you have to ask...

My blood pressure is gonna be so low, if you chop off my arm, my blood will trickle out in small droplets so slowly, you'll think my system does not run on blood.

I think I've become addicted to cooking. I wanna cook all the time! It's so weird. Maybe it's because I'm the type that naturally likes to plan. So it's fun to make plans for every meal, and execute them! I get to be the boss, and nobody gets to argue, disagree, or stand in the way. Hahaha. Boss. Hugo Boss...

It's interesting that I started out as a total nincompoop in cooking. Now, it has become... may I shamefully admit... my hobby! I'll earn my kid's vote as dad of the year next time.

Anyway, here are some tips for people who want to teach nincompoops how to cook. Coming from first-hand experience. From former nincompoop, to teacher, to other teachers who want to teach nincompoops.

1. Do not use phrases like "add salt to taste".

You must understand that "add salt to taste" makes no sense to a beginner. How much salt will make food too salty? How much sugar will make food too sweet?

You'll say, "Add according to your taste lah." But how will we know? Will one teaspoon of salt do the trick? Or two teaspoons? How will I know how much salt I need to achieve "my taste"? Do you even know what is "my taste"? How is "my taste" quantifiable?

Therefore, quantify what you say. For example, "Half a teaspoon of salt will be good enough for any average person for the dish that you're cooking now." That will be very helpful.

2. Do not give instructions like "dice the onions" or "chop the garlic".

To a beginner, words like "dice" or "chop" makes no sense. Dice means dadu, that 6-sided cube thing. Chop means chicken chop, that piece of western food thing.

When you ask a beginner to dice the onion, it is best to show him once by exemplification. Cut the onion into half, slice the onion into thin slices first, then cut the thin slices into small cubes. Then only it will make sense. Show the steps that lead to the end product, and the size of the end product. Then, he will register the verb "dice" into his vocabulary.

When you ask a beginner to chop garlic, know that it makes no sense to him either. Give an example, show the steps, then show the end product. He will register "chop" into his brain.

3. A beginner has no concept of fire control.

Know that to a beginner, a fire is a product of combustion between hydrocarbons and oxygen. Period. He does not know that different fire intensities need to be used to cook different kinds of food. He thinks that the bigger the fire, the faster the food will cook, thus the faster he gets to eat and forget all his problems. That, my friend, is every beginner's philosophy. Learn it well.

You have to tell a beginner the correct fire intensities for the correct cooking equipment. For example, non-stick pans must be used under slow fire. Or else, the non-stick surface may get scraped off into your cooking.

You also must tell him the correct fire intensities for the correct kinds of food. For example, vegetables must be cooked over low fire, meat in high fire. If you cook a vegetable over high fire, you may "kill" the vegetable. If you cook meat over low fire, you cannot "kill" the meat. Which one is easier to kill? Vegetable, or cow? Use your blain, use your blain!

Conceptualize, exemplify, rationalize. Standard procedure for teaching any concept under the third level of the Bloom Taxonomy: Application.

4. Never make any assumptions that a beginner understands anything you say.

Murphy's Law always happens to a beginner: What can go wrong will go wrong! Know that the vocabulary you use in the kitchen may mean a totally different thing to a beginner. Do not assume that he is equipped with basic understanding of how the "laws of the kitchen" work.

Understand this as a rule of thumb:

a) If you don't tell... He will do! For example. You did not tell him that oil and water do not mix in a hot wok. You did not tell. He will wash the spatula, and put wet spatula into the hot oil. You'll get atom bomb reaction.

b) If you tell... He may not do! For example. You tell him to boil the rice. He will put the rice into the rice cooker. He will turn on the main electrical socket. But he will not press the "on" button on the rice cooker. You will finish cooking everything else, serve everything on the dining table... And stare at disbelief at the rice.

There are many more tips I can think of. Will write more next time. Good chefs are hard to find. Good teachers are even harder to come by.

Happy cooking. And happy teaching the nincompoops!