Sometimes I wonder...

... If I am schizophrenic.

Sometimes, I feel like I wanna lock people up into iron cages and drown them. Sometimes I feel like I wanna literally seize boys by their collar and throw them out of the class. Sometimes I feel like scolding the sons of the soil in English with poisonous words, beautifully profound, but yet not vulgar. So they can't accuse me verbally abusing them because there is no way their vocabulary permits them to repeat what I said.

But sometimes... I wonder what the sons of the soil do after school. What they must go through just to get by. How it must be like to be born into a religion they didn't choose. And how I can help them have a better life.

Sometimes I feel like an idiot, trying to cast my pearls before swine. I feel like doing what Paul says in Romans, to "give them up" to whatever they wanna be. Or, like in Exodus, God hardens Pharaoh's heart - not by actively doing it. He merely let Pharaoh be. Like clay that is not spun by the potter, it hardens by itself.

It's not what you do. It's what you don't do. All I have to do is withhold my knowledge from them. They will be condemned to a future of failure, suffering and darkness.

But sometimes... I feel like I've impacted the people who really need it the most. I feel that if 1 person in the class has benefited from my teaching, it makes all the effort worth it. Even if only 1 student bothered to come up to me, I shall in no wise turn him away. Even in a cell of malevolent, delinquent monkeys, I find more pleasure in making things click for 1 boy, than castrating all the monkeys together. It happened for me in 4 Neptune last year.

Sometimes, I think the school is crazy. Senior teachers suggest my name without me knowing it, and I get piled up with positions I never coveted nor asked for. And I start wishing I was dumb and demented, so I won't have to take it.

But sometimes... I stay up late just typing out name lists... Thinking of ways to do things differently... Going to the Sri Siantan pool to negotiate with the authorities, trying to get special rates for my Swimming Club students, and thinking of ways to strike connections with students outside a classroom environment.

Sometimes, I feel like my self-worth is questionable. I feel like there is no honour in what I do. No one really clamours for my job. Usually under-achievers aim for it to ride under the government's wings.

I don't have the privilege of going for an interview, and measuring what I'm worth against my employer's expectations, have the pleasure of meeting it, and enjoy just rewards that come with it. Even in the interview that I had with the SPP, frankly, I think it was an insulting joke. I don't see how I can fail. And even if I pass (which I did), I don't see the honour in it.

I don't have any avenues for self-development. I feel as though I am stuck under a school ceiling, with an academic prowess that does not need to exceed a 17-year-old's. Instead of opportunities to grow, I find that there are more chances of growing numb and stagnated.

But sometimes... I feel that I have the best job in the world. I feel like it's the best decision I've made in my life, career-wise. If eternity is real, I feel that there is no other job under heaven that I would want to do, and no other place I would want to work, other than in a place with unlimited potential, continuously ripe for harvest.

Sometimes I think my anger is murder.

But sometimes... I think my anger is righteous.

Sometimes, I think I'm wrong for doing the wrong thing.

Sometimes, I think I'm wrong for doing the right thing.

But sometimes... I think I'm right for doing the wrong thing.

Sometimes I think I am a sinner.

But sometimes... I think I am a saint.

Sometimes, I like this version:




But sometimes... I like this one better:




And sometimes I want to eat chicken chop.

But sometimes... I want to eat fish and chips.